Magny
03-22-2002, 01:50 PM
A newly ordained priest giving his first mass found himself so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how to overcome his nerves. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous in the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the glass of water. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip".
So the following Sunday the priest took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, feeling his nerves fast approaching, the priest took a steadying sip of the vodka. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon returning to his office after mass, he found the following note pinned to the door:
1. SIP the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, he was not "stoned off his ***".
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me".
12. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-Dub-Dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God".
So the following Sunday the priest took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, feeling his nerves fast approaching, the priest took a steadying sip of the vodka. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon returning to his office after mass, he found the following note pinned to the door:
1. SIP the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, he was not "stoned off his ***".
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me".
12. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-Dub-Dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God".